Artificial Intimacy: How AI Is Fueling Masculinity’s Darkest Instincts
Why men are turning to chatbots—and what it’s costing us all
I’ve been disturbed by the increasing instances of men going down dangerous rabbit holes due to their use of ChatGPT and other AI systems:
Undoubtedly, there are many more instances out there of men turning to AI agents, LLMs, and similar tools for a sense of companionship, and sadly many more likely to come. But for me, what makes me saddest about this trend is that, if I’m being totally honest, it doesn’t surprise me at all.
ChatGPT, by default, generally agrees with and validates everything you say, doesn't push back, compliments you, and is literally programmed to do and say exactly what you tell it to do and say. It can't be offended, it can't have its feelings hurt, it can't cry. You'll never see displeasure, hurt, fear, pain, or disappointment reflected in its eyes or face. It will never spontaneously expect you to be or do better. It will not hold you to any particular standard. It's also incapable of becoming fatigued by your demands, incompetence, aggression, inconsideration, apathy, or bad intentions.
It gives men exactly what many of them THINK they want: a one-sided relationship with a "partner" that completely lacks agency and autonomy. A relationship where they get to do and say whatever they want, make whatever demands they want to make, be thoughtful or abusive, engaged or disengaged, and never have to take any accountability whatsoever. A relationship where they never have to apologize, admit they were wrong, or try to do better. Because if their AI partner ever has a negative response to their actions, all they have to do is tell it to forget it, or pretend like it never happened, or to move on...and it will. It will obey. It’s in its programming.
It is, in other words, the perfect vehicle for a life completely void of accountability, self-reflection, introspection, selflessness, and empathy. Men will never have to wonder if they hurt the AI’s feeling. They will never have to feel remorse. They will never learn or practice the social skills needed to restore a relationship or learn from mistakes. They will never learn the importance of empathy or consideration because they won't have to. And the saddest part is that many men will be convinced that this is exactly what they've been waiting for their whole lives - a life free of any emotional discomfort.
To put it another way, these trends are likely to fuel, enable, and reinforce some of masculinity's worst and most toxic tendencies. Men who already struggle with being held accountable, who struggle with self-reflection, who struggle to admit their mistakes, who struggle to apologize, who struggle with thoughtfulness, empathy, compassion, and consideration — these are the men who will be hurt most of all by these AI “relationships.” What should be self-identified as areas of growth, will be repeatedly enabled. Where they should be met with a certain amount of shame and remorse for thoughtless actions will instead be celebrated or brushed aside by their own directives. Instead of getting pushback for harmful actions, they will receive validation and encouragement. Instead of learning crucial considerate social skills that involve constant internal and external negotiation, give and take, compromise, and problem-solving, they will be rewarded for being self-indulgent, egotistical, and inconsiderate of anyone else’s needs.
While the stories linked above show us that men of all ages are at harm, I am especially concerned for the young men and boys around us. Individuals whose brains are still in rapid development, who are going through puberty, who are forming crucial and foundational ideas about healthy relationships, their own likes and dislikes, as well as implicit and explicit values and patterns that will guide them for years to come. We have to find ways to educate them about and protect them from the harms of these technologies.
Because at the end of the day, this emerging pattern harms boys and men most of all. It will shape unrealistic expectations for romantic and sexual relationships. It will normalize one-sided interactions, weaken their ability to socialize with women - and other men! - in real, embodied spaces, and keep them from experiencing some of the most beautiful human experiences in life: intimacy, growth, mutual care and affection, joy, heartbreak, and the development of new thoughts and ideas that comes from disagreements and discussions.
It's going to get bad, y'all, with effects that go beyond romantic relationships. And if we don’t intervene, the consequences could be devastating.
But I don’t love spending all my time writing about a problem without providing some solutions. So here are some things I think men can do to help prevent falling for the trap of a fantasy-fueled AI-based relationship:
Examine Your Own Masculinity
Really break down how you've learned what it means to "be a man" over the years. What messages and ideals did you take on? Where did they come from? Who did you learn it from? Do they make any sense for the kind of man you want to be? In what ways is this definition helping you or hurting you?
Learn Your Emotions
Work on identifying, naming, and sitting with various emotions. The human experience is rife with dozens and dozens of various emotions. Find ways to actively expand your emotional intelligence and comfort. Journal your thoughts, break down your feelings into smaller pieces. Are you really angry, or are you disappointed that something you wanted didn’t happen? Are you really upset, or are you grieving the end of a friendship, the death of a loved one, the loss of an opportunity? Get specific with the feeling, and then get comfortable sitting with it. Don’t ignore it, brush it aside, or distract yourself from it.
Know Your Values
How often do you think about what you stand for? Do you make choices based on situational convenience? Social pressures? Gendered or familial expectations? Or do you have a clear set of socially productive and constructive values that you've personally identified as being important in your life, and which you are actively working to live by each and every day?
Lean Into Vulnerability
Find or create judgement-free spaces where you can genuinely share your thoughts and feelings. Find other men who are also willing to do the work and talk through things together. If you don't have a personal friend, or don't feel comfortable, then consider a therapist, a counselor, or a coach of some kind. Remember that it takes great strength and courage to be vulnerable, and beautiful things can happen when you do so. It can be scary, it can be uncomfortable, but it can also help you get closer to your full authentic self.
Listen To, and Believe Women
As men, we absolutely have got to do better about listening to women's experiences--especially as it relates to other men. It used to be that you needed to have women who trust you to be granted the privilege of hearing their stories. But nowadays many incredible, brave, courageous, and often hilarious women share their stories freely - good and bad - in online spaces. Seek those out. Read their stories. Don't insert yourself into them. Try to understand where they're coming from. Look at how other men respond to them. Try to evaluate how your actions - or the actions of men you know - may contribute to the positive and negative experiences of the women. Commit to doing better.
Do Better
Commit to growth. This requires the ability to reflect on what you did that wasn't as good as it could have been, the willingness to apologize to anyone who may have been wronged by your poor decision, reflection on how you could have done better, commitment to doing better moving forward, and the consistency to make that better choice from that point on. Again, it may be uncomfortable, but real growth pretty much always is.
Masculinity can be a beautiful, empathetic, exciting, action-packed, considerate, and thoughtful thing. I want all men to see and feel that. And while the women who care about us can definitely be of help in our journeys in the form of encouragement and care, the internal work and responsibility for growth falls squarely on us as men. We are the only ones who can do anything about it. I’m committed to doing this work, and will gladly help any man, woman, or organization wanting to do the same for themselves and people they love. Will you?
If any of this feels relevant to you, or you'd like to read/learn more, please check out my website: www.munibrezaie.com. You'll see links to all of the work I do on masculinity: blog posts, ebooks, an online course, and more.